Negotiating the Funeral Planning Minefield – Part 2

Death and its aftermath are a time of great vulnerability for the deceased’s surviving loved ones.  They are mourning a great loss. But they are also coping with a huge hole that has been torn through the fabric of their lives. Their entire world has been shaken to its core.

In Part One of this two-part series, I described a number of practices of the funeral industry that, intentioned or not, take advantage of the deceased’s surviving loved ones when they are least able to defend themselves.  Some of these practices are “merely” intended make things more convenient for the funeral home or cemetery. Others practices increase profit margins though unnecessary additional services.  And the most egregious practices are those that through misleading information, intentionally manipulate the survivors into purchasing very expensive and entirely unnecessary services. 

In Part Two, I’d like to help my readers avoid these manipulative practices by giving them the information they need to think and plan ahead, clarify and communicate their wishes and desires, and get the support they need to maintain control over the process.  I’d like to talk about things you can do before you die and your love ones can do after you die (but before burial) to prevent (or at least reduce the chance) of these things from happening.  And while I have addressed these comments to people of faith, from the Christian point of view, there are many things that that people of all faiths (or no faith at all) may wish to consider.

Things You Can Do Before You Die

In our culture, we often avoid talking about death until after it has occurred. This often leaves family, friends, and other loved ones with regrets, unspoken farewells, and other unfinished (and unfinishable) business. And it also leaves them with many and complex funeral and burial decisions and arrangements, at a time that they are least able to cope with them. Yet with a little forethought and advance planning on your part, before you die, it need not be so…and you could save your loved ones a lot of money.

It’s Your Funeral (Don’t Be Afraid to Talk about It).  Western culture routinely avoids the discussion of death, perhaps in large part because we see death as, if not our biggest enemy, that as our biggest failure. People of faith, particularly those who are followers of the crucified messiah, Jesus Christ, need not avoid the topic.  While we do not deny the pain and trauma of separation and loss that death brings, but we place these in the context a larger vision. Those who are a part of the body of Christ need not be afraid to speak of death because we are a community of faith, hope, and love. As the Apostle Paul said, “If we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we to the Lord; so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.”

There’s No Time like the Present.  It is wise to begin thinking about your own funeral well beforehand. Thoughtful foresight can help your family and friends (as well as your lawyer and doctors) understand your personal wishes.  Talking with them about your wishes for liturgy will provide your loved ones both comfort and assistance in the planning of the church and graveside services.  Letting them know you would like to handle your earthly remains will comfort them greatly during the funeral planning process by giving them confidence that they are honoring your wishes. Because you have made clear what you want done – and just as importantly, what you don’t want done, they can decline unnecessary funeral products and services confidently and without guilt.  Furthermore, if you have been prudent in your choices, you may save them thousands of dollars in unnecessary expenditures.

Consult Your Pastor.  If you are currently part of a faith community, talk over these issues with your clergy person.  S/he can advise you as to the particular liturgical and burial practices of your tradition. Having had experience with the funeral homes and cemeteries in your area, s/he can advise you which are reputable and cooperative, and are familiar with your denomination’s burial traditions and practices. Some clergy now have negotiated formal or informal agreements between their church and one or more funeral homes or cemeteries in the area, in order to ensure that denomination-specific traditions and individual desires are followed. If you are not currently a member of a congregation, you may want to consider joining a one in your area. Do not underestimate the comfort a supportive faith community can provide to you and your family as you approach your own death, and to your loved ones afterward as they mourn your death and begin the process of forging a new life in your absence.

Put it in Writing.  It is prudent, once these issues are settled, to put them in writing, along with any advanced medical directives you may have. Make sure you give copies the relevant sections to your spouse or life-partner, your pastor, your primary physician, your lawyer, and any others you want to have it.

Things Family Can Do Before and After the Death of a Love One

The death of a spouse, a parent, a child, or other loved one is one of the most traumatic events we ever have to face, leaving us vulnerable and confused.  Yet, ironically, it is at this very time that we are least prepared to least prepared to make rational decisions, that we are asked to deal with more important decisions in a shorter time than we may have ever been asked before or ever will be asked in the future. Still, there are some things you can do that will help you feel prepared and supported.

When Your Love One’s Death Appears Imminent

Contact Your Loved One’s Pastor.  Your loved one’s pastor can be a comforting and helpful presence to your loved one (and to you) in the last hours of his/her life.  Do not be anxious about calling the pastor. The pastor will want to be there with you.  Helping people make the transition from this world into the next is at the core of the ministry of the ordained.

• In your loved ones final hours, the pastor can support you in saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done, determining if the departing loved one has any last wishes about memorial services and burial, and guiding you all through prayers of departure, while helping you all to feel the loving presence of God in your midst. 
• In the immediate aftermath of death, the pastor can help you express your grief, support you as you sign forms and paperwork and deal with any other immediate legal requirements, and help you make the preliminary plans for funeral services and burial.

In the Days after Your Loved One’s Death

Consult the Pastor Who Will Be Doing the Funeral and Burial.  For a number of reasons, it is advisable to contact the pastor first (before calling the funeral home or cemetery).

• Ask about availability of the church for funeral services. If your loved one desired to be buried from his or her church, you will need to determine the availability of the space, officiating clergy, musicians, etc. You should do this first.
• Ask for recommended funeral homes.  Your loved one may already have informed the pastor of specific arrangements with a funeral home and/or cemetery.   But even if your loved one had overlooked this, the pastor also may be able recommend a reputable funeral home, that would respect the funeral/burial decisions of the deceased and the customs of his/her denomination, and would be  less likely to take financial advantage in a time of crisis.
• Make an appointment to plan the funeral and burial services.  You will want to meet with the pastor at the church in which the funeral is being done, so that you can have the best feel possible about the liturgical options open to you.
• Ask the pastor to go with you to the funeral home. If the pastor does not have arrangements with a preferred funeral service provider, you may want to ask the pastor if he or she can accompany you to the funeral home to make the necessary arrangements for the handling of your loved one’s body.  The presence of clergy will often curtail the most egregious practices of some funeral homes.

At the Funeral Home

While the majority of funeral homes are reputable, it is important to understand that almost all funeral homes (and an increasing number of cemeteries) are for-profit businesses, with all the attendant pressures to practice in ways that maximize profit (increasing income and decreasing expenses).  I wrote about these practices extensively in part one of this series, but here is a list of some of the more common ones:

• Embalming.  A common misconception about funeral preparations that embalming is a legal requirement.  However, in most states it is not a legal requirement, and in fact is not necessary at all an unless open-casket funeral is a requirement of the departed loved one’s faith tradition. 
• Open-Casket Funeral. In most faith traditions neither open-casket viewings nor open-casket funerals are required.  Unfortunately, some funeral homes encourage them anyway because of the otherwise unnecessary additional expenses they require: embalming, make-up, burial clothing, upholstered casket, etc.
• Metal and Other High-End Caskets.  Some funeral homes encourage the use of all-metal or metal-lined word caskets to retard the process of decay, which, ironically, in most spiritual traditions is assumed to be the natural purpose of burial: returning the person to the dust from which he or she was created.
• Cremation Caskets and Expensive Urns.  These items have huge profit margins. Cremation caskets are unnecessary and ceramic urns can obtained for a much lower price at a local pottery store.
• Hermetically Sealed Caskets. One of the most egregious practices, sealed casket are also sold with the promised of preventing decay (against most traditions), while actually increasing the rate of the decay.  In most states, while it is not illegal to sell such caskets, state health regulations prohibit their being placed in the ground without breaking the seal first.

Summary

I hope that some of you will find this article helpful, both in giving thought to the passing of loved ones as well as in contemplating your preparations for your own passing.  For those who are interested in pursuing this topic further, I am including with this article a link to download a PDF copy my church’s funeral planning guide.