Schools

Moms Talk Q&A: 'Race To Nowhere'

North Potomac-Darnestown Patch Mom Council discusses issues of stress and pressure brought up in the documentary film.

is a new weekly feature on North Potomac-Darnestown Patch to help local parents share opinions, advice and solutions.

Each week our eight-member Moms Council will discuss a different parenting issue. Join the conversation by weighing in on a topic or asking the expert panel your questions.

This week the converstation focuses on the documentary film "" which was recently shown at and . The film takes a critical look at the rigorous pressures placed on students as young as elementary school and examines the inherent dangers for children and parents in a culture where every child is expected to excel beyond reasonable expectations.

Find out what's happening in North Potomac-Darnestownwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

After the film was shown at each high school a panel discussion followed. We would like to continue that discussion here, so we posed the following question to our mom council. Please join in the conversation in the comment section below.

How do you motivate your children to succeed without piling on too much stress? Can your children balance homework and other activities?

Find out what's happening in North Potomac-Darnestownwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Although I haven't been able to see "Race to Nowhere" yet, the topic is timely as I am in the middle of reading "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom," a book written by my former small section law professor (and mentor), Amy Chua. The book - and Professor Chua - received a lot of press lately for the style of parenting she presents in the memoir and used to raise her daughters, i.e. the "Chinese style" of parenting characterized by motivation through parental authoritarianism and pressure. The book, and the media hype that followed, made me closely think about how we raise successful children without unjust stress. While I don't follow Professor Chua's strict approach to parenting, and don't agree with the high level of pressure put on school-aged children (which seems especially predominant in this area as compared to other regions of the country), I do believe that as a parent I should have high expectations of my children and communicate those expectations to them. Ultimately, my goal is to teach my children to be self-motivated, hopefully through a combination of leading by example, supportive encouragement, LOVE and yes, even a touch of "tiger mom."

: Along with teaching book work during their grade school years, by our actions and expectations, we are also teaching our kids how to live a daily life. I try to teach them to be responsible and do their best, and, at the same time, to be happy every day, not just as some far away, end result. Balancing achievement in school with the rest of their life is the same as the work/life balance for adults. It all depends on how competitive you are and how you define success. We all want our kids to reach their potential, but sometimes we lose sight of healthy levels of self-acceptance. Only a few people are actually academically “gifted.” That does not make the rest of us losers!

My kids don't seem too overwhelmed by homework. I do not push them into honors and AP course work when I (and their teachers) feel they are not up to it. We also limit the amount of extracurricular activities they do. I try to counteract the pressure by helping my kids connect what they learn in school to real life. We discuss what types of professions use those subjects and how they apply to the everyday – not just for the grade, but for their real-life use. This motivates them to want to learn more about it and be interested in learning. I also like to point out that a lot of the wealthiest, healthiest, happiest and wisest people I personally know did not make straight As or go to Ivy League colleges – including me, their father and many of their aunts and uncles! 

: As a mom of young children, I haven't really had to address the motivation factor yet. They both seem intrinsically motivated to do well and learn a ton. Any signs of pressure, it's just, "Relax, do the best you can do. That's all we ask." Of course, they still LOVE SCHOOL and are motivated to "please the teacher."  Wonder how long this will last!

Regarding balance, I feel it is important to expose kids to a wide variety when they're young in part to see "what sticks" and also to give them a sense of confidence when they've tried something new and succeeded. The rule we've set for our children at this point is that they can play one sport per season and choose one other optional after-school activity, in addition to a couple of on-going activities (karate, piano, Brownies). We started out with far less until we were sure it wasn't too much pressure. Homework in kindergarten and second grade has been relatively easy, but if they were struggling, activities would need to be dropped.   

: My best advice is communication. I try to talk with my kids as much as they will allow me — regarding how they are doing with classes/friends/sports. I also think a discussion about upcoming classes is very important. Currently, I am reviewing classes with my two older kids for their junior and senior years. These are two critical years just prior to college. I provide my input and concerns, but I try to let them "drive the bus." It's their time, their future and their success — therefore I let them make the ultimate decision as to how hard they want their classes to be.

In addition, I make sure they have a physical outlet — which I think is very important for boys. An outlet to let them get their frustration, aggression and just blow off some steam. This can be sports in school, at the recreation level or even just a good block of time after school to allow them to play basketball with their friends or go for a jog through the neighborhood.

So, there you have it — nothing scientific ... just my "mother's intuition" speaking to me. I hope this intuition is right, but, by all indications, I think we are headed in the right direction.

: As an educator and parent I have firsthand experience with the pressure to succeed on students and teachers. As a former elementary school teacher, I taught for 15 years in Chicago and Virginia, I have seen the pendulum swing many times, but the most dramatic push I have seen on elementary-age students has by far been the pressure to succeed on standardized tests and do one more thing to be the best.

My favorite grade to teach is third grade because the students are really starting to make connections and have “a-ha” moments about what they are learning. However, it is my LEAST favorite curriculum because that is where standardized testing began in earnest, at least in Virginia. I absolutely detested having to “teach to the test.” The pressure on teachers and students to score well was palpable —high test scores=state funding and other resources. The pressure surrounding testing overtook the big picture of getting kids excited about learning; it was more important that 8-year-olds learn how to properly fill in a Scantron bubble answer sheet. It was frustrating and sad at the same time. I felt like the creativity was sucked out of teaching. Don’t get me wrong, there do need to be standards to ensure that students are getting what they need to succeed, but we must find a balance.

: I have always been a firm believer in a healthy balance between work and play. With my children I have always given them "down time" — on weekends and holidays they can sleep late and just relax at home. During the summer vacation, I schedule one or two camps, the rest of the time they can "hang out" with friends at the pool, go fishing in the local creek etc. During the school year, I let them chose one or two after school activities and make sure they are not overscheduled. Sleep is very important so on school nights they have a set bedtime — 9:30 p.m. and both my teenagers are ready to go to bed by then. (When they were younger they were in bed by 7 p.m.).

My daughter is very organized and focused. She gets a lot of work done in school, which means she has less work to do at home. My son is the complete opposite; he does not like school and hates homework. To motivate them, we use a mixture of reward and punishment. If they do the best they can, they get rewarded; if they don't turn in homework they have privileges (computer, xbox, internet) removed. Edline is a great tool to keep track of how they are doing and I check it often.

: My children are young and finding a balance between homework, after-school activities and family time is a struggle. I have about four hours each night to accomplish all three. We know that homework will take one of those hours. We set aside time to get it done, but sometimes "life gets in the way." The few times this has happened the teachers have always been completely understanding. 
I also have to limit the number of after-school commitments. If one child has an activity, it's as if they all have an activity because I can't leave anyone at home alone. Periodically, I ask my kids to rank their three favorite activities and then we discuss the list. This is always an interesting discussion, and I am sometimes surprised by their choices versus my choices. I also try to keep the activities close to home and carpool when possible.

I know this is going to be more of an issue as my kids get older. Hopefully, I will be able keep control of their schedules rather than it being dictated by MCPS.

Chris Hakenkamp: We have found that adding things slowly to our schedule works better than jumping into a lot of activities at the same time. Once something becomes a habit, it is easy to sustain, doesn't feel like a burden and then we can consider adding another activity. But mostly we try to take our cues from our children. Both of them (girl age 10 and boy age 8) fall apart when overwhelmed. We are lucky to have teachers that don't overwhelm our children and myself with homework.

: Motivating children can be such a tough topic. In the classroom and at school, many of the “motivational” techniques are geared toward motivating the students that are either having a tough time getting motivated or are acting out.  While this may sound good (the point IS to get these kids motivated), it can also totally overlook those students who are always on task or are just naturally quieter.  Some might argue these students don’t need the extra motivators, but when you are giving out prizes or rewarding the students it does affect all the students. I always try to encourage and stay positive with my kids. I have found the slightest bit of negativity can pull them down quickly and then they lack the drive to keep trying or to try harder.


Get more local news delivered straight to your inbox. Sign up for free Patch newsletters and alerts.

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

More from North Potomac-Darnestown